What I remember most from my middle school years is my mom telling me, “I am not going to check your grades or nag you to do your homework. You decide how well you do. You can be responsible for yourself.”
I thought this was so unfair because it felt like all my friends had parents that pretty much were doing their homework for them.
I’m 19 now. My parents have never nagged me to do my homework, go to school, or even participate in sports or eat healthier. Those are all decisions I decided to make by myself, for myself. I realize now that I was doing all these things for myself because it’s my life, and I can totally decide how I want to live it.
I am so utterly amazed at how far I have come as a person. Lately, in times of stress, I have been having a lot of people tell me they admire my drive and how strong I am and my perseverance, but I didn’t really think to listen to them.
But actually, go me. No one on this Earth is making me write all these papers for school and get my ass out of bed to go to class or make me volunteer teach or make me blog or pay my bills or remind me to go running or do my laundry or study more than I have to. No one is nagging me to do absolutely anything in life. It’s all my own individual drive. I am doing what is best for me. All of me.
I had a brief existential breakdown a few moments ago. All we do is live to prepare for our futures. Think about it. We literally go to school to earn that degree that will ensure us a job for the next half of our life with some type of paycheck that will pay the bills for the oversize home we live in and the materialistic objects we feel the need to fill it with. Are any of us really living for RIGHT now? I could be seeing the world, traveling and meeting people and living off the land and wondering where my next meal would be from. Instead, I am heavily stressed out because I am paying thousands of dollars for this education that will land me a job for the rest of my life.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t feel like I am living. I feel like I am preparing.
It’s hard to comprehend, because teaching and writing are my true passions and I love everything about them. So, will be job in 30 years even be a job? Or more of a lifestyle, if I truly love what I am doing?
But isn’t it still a job?
What is going to matter more in the end? My job or saying fuck it and seeing the world?
To truly live is harder than said. Believe me.
But then again, I have seen A LOT of this world, (thanks, mom). I have done more traveling in my 19 years of life than some people will ever do in their whole lives. I have seen a lot of this world. Seeing what this world is truly made of has actually taught me a lot.
So, I don’t get it. Why do I want to travel if I have already seen a lot?
I think I just need to take a few months and go off-chart and live to do whatever. Maybe this summer I will. But currently, I am in school.
Again, brings me back to where I started. I think school is ridiculous because it is so trapping, but I work really really hard at it. I do truly believe an education and degree will be good for me in the end. I really really do believe that I need to obtain this degree to be remotely successful in life. Further more, I push myself to work hard at school because I love it. I love learning. I love gaining new experiences because those experiences are what drive me to keep going.
Sigh, it’s all a big mess. I don’t think I’ll ever have an actual answer to all my pondering questions. From this point, it’s all about taking it one day at a time.
Take care of yourselves, your happiness, and your soul. Nothing in life is worth it without love and soul. I do know one thing, and that’s it.
Be yourself, not what society and you family raised you to be. Be who you truly are.
I’m a bit sorry this post was a complete mess, but hey- we all need to analyze and reflect sometime.